There's so much more that matters

A good morning to you.

I'm at school now, and there's two more free hours in sight for me.
Sometimes there are days that I don't see the beauty in everything, anymore.

Lately I've been very quickly angered or irritated, and if I become so, I become unreasonable, too. Sarcastic and hurtful remarks, and preferably heaps of them. Later on when I've cooled down a bit I start to feel ashamed and sorry, and then I start loading every bit of problem I can find on myself.
That, most of the time, is a lot more than the things I've said or done while I was being irrational. And that habit is really one I want to get rid of.

1. Stop apologising for every single thing.

That's something I'm trying to learn myself. Also, self-criticism isn't going to get me anywhere... so I'm going to cut that off, too.
So what if you don't like my hair, my eyes, my clothing, my lips, the way I'm thinner than you are - it's called UNDERWEIGHT, and I don't like it - and everything about me!
It will always be so that, no matter what you change about yourself, there will always be people disliking you. Be it the same as before or be it others, that doesn't matter. They will, anyway. I'm not here to please you, stranger. So why should I care about your opinion of me?

Wait, I know your heart's been shattered - but there's someone worth the wait - there's so much more that matters.

About the being underweight.
People. I work out, I eat healthy and almost no snacks. Yet still I'm underweight. I can't help it. I'm working out because that's one of the only possible ways for me to actually gain weight.
Stop viewing my build as what you want.
Are bony wrists, ribs that can be counted easily, and the hollowed face I have really what you want?
I hope not.
Is looking at yourself in the mirror and being happy with it what you want?
I hope I will never find you doing such things.

If you have ever seen me at home, when I get out of the shower... you wouldn't want to be as thin as I am. I cry, in a corner of the bathroom, after I get off the scale. I cry if I've lost weight again.

Currently, I'm weighing 50 kilograms. I am 183 centimeters tall. I have been ill for the past few weeks. Please never tell me that is what you want, because you'll be as sickened by yourself as I have been.

I'm not angry at myself, nor do I dislike my build as it is right now. I'm just saying that it isn't something you should want. I can't help anything about it (well, all right, maybe I should snack more, but I don't like them!), and it pains me to see you trying to become like me.

There is something else.
There are also girls complaining about how fat they are, and then go off to the supermarket to come back with bags of crisps, 2-litre bottles of Coke, and finish that in two hours. Most of the time, they go get it a second time, too. And then they complain some more! What is it with these people? Are they fishing for compliments? Or are they unable to simply lay off the heaps of snacks and unhealthy food? Can anyone tell me this?
I have never been unkind to these people and I do not mean to offend anyone by this. I just don't understand.

Someone I know was wondering if I was the one leaving the notes throughout the school. I said "no". Later, when we were alone, I told her that indeed, I was the one putting them everywhere, but I didn't feel like saying it with lots of other people present. She said that it gave an entirely different meaning to the notes. Apparently the idea's been around for a while - I'm aware of this - and she thought that someone was putting them up just to look cool. She continued to tell me that the notes really meant something to hear now because I mean what I write on them.

That made me really happy.

To you, reader, I want to say something too.

You're AWESOME!

That's all. <3

Lots of love and a smile for you today,

Friederike

Things I love Thursday - for Gala

The link to Gala Darling - go read it. It's awesome.

 Well, hi! Here's a few things that made me smile this week so far!

My best friend Sophie. <3. - The happiness of the dogs when I get home from school every day! - Lipton Ice Tea Green Tea (I believe I'm addicted, it's good!) - My mother. - The smile on my Dutch teacher's face when I'd put a Post It note on her desk that said this: I've a secret to tell you. You're beautiful. 
The people that smile back at me in the streets. - Gala. - The fact that my dad's recovering from cancer! - and so much more, too.

 I've something incredibly sweet to share.

You're like a shining star on a cold winter's night: standing proudly in the sky, giving company and a listening ear to those who need it, watching over the world and wishing her loved ones a good sleep and sweet dreams. Oh, how much I appreciate your presence and your love.

Yours truly,
Sophie.

Only the gods know how much I love her. <3

Today I've done absolutely nothing save for working at school and sewing a cover for my hot water bottle - it's almost done, I'll make sure to take pictures when it's finished. Sparkly monsters are coming up!

Lots of love and a smile for you today,
Friederike

You say...

• You're jealous of my looks and my body
• How you adore how I wear whatever the hell I like
• How I'm always popular with guys and girls alike...

But the truth is...
I wish I wasn't like that. I would give anything for a guy to look me in the face if he's talking to me. I wish people wouldn't stare at my curves all the time. Yes, I work out, and yes, I happen to have fairly large breasts. Those two things seem to make me desirable.

For the other two points...

You can be like that, too. Society isn't ordering you what and what not to wear. Pick what you like. It doesn't necessarily have to be what is considered 'fashionable' nowadays. The same way I wear New Rocks, or the highest heels I can possibly find (Bordello Shoes, I love you!), my own hand-made clothing... you can do that too. I hope you'll read this, school girl who shared her thoughts with me.

 I'm not popular. I get bullied every single day. People yell at me for, exactly as you said, school girl, wearing whatever the hell  I like. They even yell at me for listening to metal music. It's not like they have problems because of that! =/

But hey, how much can someone care? As long as I feel good about myself, it's okay. It's impossible for everyone to like me, and even the 'disliking' is just fear of something that is different than normal.

People, here's a smile for you today!

Love,

I wonder...

- Why people find it necessary to call me names
- Why it's so damn hard to not gossip about me
- Why - for goodness' sake - people are scared of me
- Why it's so hard to accept me.

Among many, many other things.
There is something that people don't seem to get about me. I look "gothic" - well, different, in any case. Granted. But I don't eat babies for breakfast, and I don't kill people with a single look (that's what Basilisks are for).
The strange thing is...
Once people get over their reluctance/distaste/fear/whateverthehell it may be of me, they start asking me questions and talking about me. And then - or so I've heard - they start to wonder if I'm really all that scary. And they start telling my brother how nice I actually am.

What bothers me most is that no one has ever bothered to find that out, no matter how hard I have tried every year.
It is true that I don't look like someone you'd start a casual conversation with. I must say that this is not my fault. I have had people asking  me what I was like, and I'd ask back: "Me with people I like, or me with people I don't care about?"
So extreme was the difference.
When I'm with people I don't care about (no, I don't dislike them, I just don't give a damn), I'm quiet, always the loner and very much uninterested in what is going on around me.
When I'm with people I like, or with friends, more specifically, I turn into someone talkative with a big, big smile.

I've been trying to change that, and I think it's going pretty well. Not everyone reacts any differently from before, but here's something.

The other day, I was doing shopping, I needed new writing paper and ink. I've started smiling at people I catch staring at me, and most of the time they turn away ashamed, but some smile back after a few seconds. That makes me happy.
The lady behind the cash register said I was looking pretty as always. I smiled and thanked her for the compliment, and she noted that she admired how I wear what I like.
She made my day.

Today is not going very well. I feel tired and lonely, my Viking is out with friends, and there is only a cold bed waiting for me. There's also an infection somewhere around my jaw that has been giving me sleeping problems for the past week. The doctor finally gave me medication for it and I hope I'll be able to sleep for a full night.

I've started on an idea I had for a present for my mother - I wanted a special box for Belgian chocolates I wanted to give her. I'm lining the box and covering it with crushed velvet and pearls - I'll make sure to take photographs and show the end result on here!

Sorry for the rant, I had to get this off my mind. There's more, but I shall not bother you with that. Thank you.