There's so much more that matters

A good morning to you.

I'm at school now, and there's two more free hours in sight for me.
Sometimes there are days that I don't see the beauty in everything, anymore.

Lately I've been very quickly angered or irritated, and if I become so, I become unreasonable, too. Sarcastic and hurtful remarks, and preferably heaps of them. Later on when I've cooled down a bit I start to feel ashamed and sorry, and then I start loading every bit of problem I can find on myself.
That, most of the time, is a lot more than the things I've said or done while I was being irrational. And that habit is really one I want to get rid of.

1. Stop apologising for every single thing.

That's something I'm trying to learn myself. Also, self-criticism isn't going to get me anywhere... so I'm going to cut that off, too.
So what if you don't like my hair, my eyes, my clothing, my lips, the way I'm thinner than you are - it's called UNDERWEIGHT, and I don't like it - and everything about me!
It will always be so that, no matter what you change about yourself, there will always be people disliking you. Be it the same as before or be it others, that doesn't matter. They will, anyway. I'm not here to please you, stranger. So why should I care about your opinion of me?

Wait, I know your heart's been shattered - but there's someone worth the wait - there's so much more that matters.

About the being underweight.
People. I work out, I eat healthy and almost no snacks. Yet still I'm underweight. I can't help it. I'm working out because that's one of the only possible ways for me to actually gain weight.
Stop viewing my build as what you want.
Are bony wrists, ribs that can be counted easily, and the hollowed face I have really what you want?
I hope not.
Is looking at yourself in the mirror and being happy with it what you want?
I hope I will never find you doing such things.

If you have ever seen me at home, when I get out of the shower... you wouldn't want to be as thin as I am. I cry, in a corner of the bathroom, after I get off the scale. I cry if I've lost weight again.

Currently, I'm weighing 50 kilograms. I am 183 centimeters tall. I have been ill for the past few weeks. Please never tell me that is what you want, because you'll be as sickened by yourself as I have been.

I'm not angry at myself, nor do I dislike my build as it is right now. I'm just saying that it isn't something you should want. I can't help anything about it (well, all right, maybe I should snack more, but I don't like them!), and it pains me to see you trying to become like me.

There is something else.
There are also girls complaining about how fat they are, and then go off to the supermarket to come back with bags of crisps, 2-litre bottles of Coke, and finish that in two hours. Most of the time, they go get it a second time, too. And then they complain some more! What is it with these people? Are they fishing for compliments? Or are they unable to simply lay off the heaps of snacks and unhealthy food? Can anyone tell me this?
I have never been unkind to these people and I do not mean to offend anyone by this. I just don't understand.

Someone I know was wondering if I was the one leaving the notes throughout the school. I said "no". Later, when we were alone, I told her that indeed, I was the one putting them everywhere, but I didn't feel like saying it with lots of other people present. She said that it gave an entirely different meaning to the notes. Apparently the idea's been around for a while - I'm aware of this - and she thought that someone was putting them up just to look cool. She continued to tell me that the notes really meant something to hear now because I mean what I write on them.

That made me really happy.

To you, reader, I want to say something too.

You're AWESOME!

That's all. <3

Lots of love and a smile for you today,

Friederike